So, if you don’t want to see the messaging that they have to offer; if it’s political or negative or they’re complaining all the time, you have three options.

1. You can unfollow them, so that they’re just not popping up on your news feed.
2. You can make an even more authoritative energetic claim by just unfriending them.
   3. For Facebook, you can get a News Feed eradicator.

   For new entrepreneurs, option number two can be overwhelming. You can be worried that so&so will find out you’ve unfriended them.  I promise: it’s gonna be okay. There may be some people who are offended. But, I believe it’s important to just let those people know that you are now treating this platform like it’s a business.

For me, I primarily work with women. I’m almost maxed out on friends on my Facebook page. So, there’s some people that I’ve had to go back through and delete. Not because I don’t like them and not because they’re a bad person. Just because I’m running a business and I want to make and hold that space for people who actually want to connect with me and collaborate.  My Facebook is to network, to find people who will listen to my message, to hang out, to learn and grow together. I want to make sure that I have that space available.

I’ve also heard a lot of particularly newer entrepreneurs who are not ready yet to go on live video or they’re feeling scared because they are afraid someone from high school will trash talk, judge them, or make fun of them.

If there are people in your life who are judging you or stopping you from stepping into your greatness, get rid of them.

They don’t need to be part of what you’re creating. That doesn’t mean they can’t be your friend outside of Facebook; they just don’t need to be on your page. Leave that space open for the people that you want to invite in.

So let’s talk a little more about the News Feed eradicator.  
This is a Google Chrome plugin; so I’m not sure if there are equivalents for other browsers.  But, essentially, it blocks your Newsfeed. So, I do not see any posts when I go onto my computer.  This is fantastic as a business owner, because it keeps me super focused and productive. When I’m on Facebook on my computer, I know I’m going to go check into my Academy, my groups that I’m running, and check in with the people who have invested. Those are going to be my priorities. Then, I’m going to look at my notifications and connect with people who have specifically commented on my content so that I can engage with them. I’m going to go into my free Facebook group and connect with those people; but I’m not going to waste a million hours liking and posting on random stuff.
If I want to specifically set aside 20 minutes a day to connect with certain people, I will.
I know a lot of you in network marketing do that as part of your growth strategy. That’s fine!  But, do that on your phone. Because, we need to separate our paid clients from our socializing.
When you do, you’ll be so much more productive.
You’ll feel so much better, because you’re not taking in all that noise.

The algorithm hasn’t fully clicked yet. Who knows what you’re reading and what you’re seeing.

Your subconscious mind is taking in 2.3 billion bits per second, while your conscious mind is only taking in 126 bits per second.
So. that means that every single thing that you are looking at on social media is being recorded and stored.

So, if you think that social noise (from media, news, etc.) isn’t impacting your energy, you’re wrong.
This is backed in science and psychology. It’s proven and tested.
(The 2.3 billion and 126 statistic was from a book “Flow,” so you can check that out if you want to reference that…)

We’ve got to protect our energy as we build online businesses.
You need to take care of you.
You need to prioritize you.

If you’re not able to show up and make an Instagram story because you just watched three influencers’ Instagram stories and now you’re comparing yourself…. Sorry, but you need to unfollow those people. Otherwise, when are you going to feel like you have something to say? Don’t let that stop you. So just know that about yourself.

OK, so… let’s talk about negative friends.

This whole conversation was inspired by one of my academy students. She asked:

“How do you keep your positive energy in check throughout the day when the average person you meet or interact with tries to connect with you over negative things?  How do you bring the conversation up and keep your good vibes flowing without sounding like an a-hole?”

I totally get it. You don’t want to indulge in someone else’s negative energy, and I don’t think you have to. Especially if it’s somebody who’s a friend or acquaintance… you can decide whether or not you want to keep that person in your life.  It really comes down to that.
If you’re starting to really notice that you no longer align with that person, you can let them go. It can be really painful sometimes, like a breakup. But, you can simply start distancing yourself from that person.

The second question is: are they open to support and some reframing?
I’ll share some of them with you; they are very subtle. You can just get a little pulse on whether or not they want solutions or they want to complain. Now, I’ve had friendships in my life and, fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve had to distance myself from those individuals. When we would spend time together, it would just become a venting session. There was no reciprocity; there was no give and take. It was just all about them dumping. I was like, “Listen, I’m not a therapist and you’re also not a client.” It did not feel fun to spend time with this person and the relationship was not serving me.

In any relationship, there needs to be give and take. If there are certain people in your life who are just not in alignment with where you’re growing, that’s OK. But, you need to make a decision about how you want to proceed.
You may be in a place where you’ve been doing a lot of personal development recently, and that you’re only suddenly realizing this contrast. But, seeing this contrast is helpful! It’s a good thing.

Abraham Hicks teaches this way: if you are noticing things that you don’t like, it’s not about judging or shaming yourself for noticing or focusing on that.
Sure, we DO want to shift our focus. But, just in acknowledging the things that you don’t want, you’re able to basically have contrast.

The contrast is where you are, and where you want to go.
The crap, the negativity, the flops in your business, the “failures,”….
Through it all, you were able to get clarity around what you do want. 

So, any time you notice yourself in a place or acknowledging something that you don’t want, just realize that there’s two sides to every thought.

If your friendships are a certain way, I would encourage you to first figure out and get clarity around what you would want the relationship to look like. How would you transform that relationship?  
Often – whether it’s a coaching relationship, a family member or a friendship, you both started here at the same vibration. Even when I worked in a restaurant, everyone was pretty much vibrating at the same frequency. After work, it was pretty much the tradition to complain about how much money you made, or how a table stiffed on a tip. It was a complain-fest for two hours.

Now, when I first started working there, I was pretty much at the lowest of lows. I was rock bottom, hiding my depression and anxiety, almost dropped out of college. Not in a good place.  It was not cute. Looking at old statuses is embarrassing!

But listen, this is where I was. Let’s call my negative side the right side. I was all the way over here on the right side.

When I started to grow and develop myself – spiritually, emotionally, and release old limiting beliefs and decisions that no longer served me – I started to shift.

Then, I really started to notice that I was not wanting to spend as much time with those people. I was not in alignment with those people and that journey has only continued. Even about two years ago, I got together with a friend from high school and I was in a really good place with my business. I was in a really good place emotionally, spiritually, financially. And, my friend started talking about how money is so hard to come by and she’s so broke and hustling.  I actually never spent time with her again, because I just think it was clear to both of us that we were just not on the same page. I was not willing to sit there and affirm something for her that wasn’t true.

But, I’m also not going to sit there and coach someone who’s a friend.  I’m not going to sit there and agree with her, because I’m not going to lower my vibration and speak something that’s not my truth out into the universe. I don’t want to attract that.
Sometimes, you just ignore it, or you pivot and change the conversation.
Now, if it’s somebody that you’re very close with (family or really close friends), things might be different.  You can’t phase this person out of your life.  You can’t get rid of them, nor do you want to. And, there may be a lot of guilt for you.

Lisa Nichols (who is also in The Secret) has a great snippet where she shared her story on Steve Harvey. It went totally viral. She talked about how she was basically living in the ghetto. People were giving her a hard time about trying to get out and make a life for herself and become better; so that she could serve the world and vibrate at a higher level. She has this great line (not quoted verbatim):

“People asked me, why are you trying to leave us?

And I said, Y’all don’t even want to be here!

Why am I going to stay here with all of you?”

I’m giving you that permission if you need it. Sometimes, we need it. I’m giving you that permission to think about this in a different way.
Maybe you’re not helping your friends by being that other person in the group that’s also complaining about stuff.

I know, from a psychological standpoint, we want to be accepted into the tribe. Going against what other people are saying can feel really weird.

But, I’ll tell you something: when I was in college, I remember sitting there thinking that there was something truly wrong with me. We would go out to these parties, and everyone would be partying and drinking and posting these pictures on Facebook about how they were having this great time in college. And like I said, I almost dropped out of college. I was freaking miserable.

My self-worth was a zero, and I never shared with people how out of alignment those environments felt for me. I just assumed that I was the only one.

Years later, I shared a story on social media about how that felt so out of alignment for me, and I cannot tell you how many people wrote on that post sent me inbox messages that they could relate to it; that they just went to college and went through the experiences because everyone else was doing it, but they felt miserable along the way.

By guiding your close friends and family to change your dynamic and change your relationship, you might be surprised at how people will respond to you.
A lot of the time, we are afraid to grow. When your loved ones know you a certain way, this is what they expect of you and from you. I’m really grateful that I have some really close friendships where we can have very real and raw conversations.  They’ll be like, “Hey, we are spending a little bit too much time focused on what we don’t want right now.” or “Hey, this mastermind call became a bit of a venting session, so maybe next time we can set some clear intentions before we begin.”  Then, we know exactly what outcomes we want to achieve, and can really make this an impactful, high vibe call.

So, remember: if there are negative people in your life: unfollow, unfriend, or get the news feed eradicator so that you’re not having to see it. If they are acquaintances and friendships that are not super close, decide if you want them in your life and decide if they want to actually grow along with you. Also, sometimes you just have “fun” friends. They’re not the people you’re going to have those deep intimate conversations with, but they’re fun to go out bowling with or go see a movie with. That’s fine! As long as it’s leaving you feeling high vibe with a positive experience, then keep those friends.

It’s your life.
There’s no rule.
I’m just encouraging you to realize that there are options.  

If you put one crab in a bucket, it’ll climb out and run away. If you put more than one crab in a bucket and if one tries to escape, all of the other ones will pull it down so you don’t even need to top on it grab a buckets and those pulling the other down.
So, if you’ve got some crabs in the 5 people you spend the most time with, it’s time to create some space and invite some new people in.

Let’s talk about family…
I’ve experienced this challenge myself with close family members; you’re asking, “Are they wanting to change?  What do I do?” Especially in the beginning of entrepreneurship. I won’t say names, but there was a lot of doubt and fear around what I was creating. Now, both of my parents are business owners. They both did pretty well with what they created, but there was still a lot of confusion and fear around me stepping into online business.

They didn’t understand how it was going to work.

They were giving “advice,” and when I look back, I’m aware now that it was coming from a place of love; of wanting to protect me.
But in the moment, when you’re having somebody tell you that you shouldn’t be doing what you want to pursue, it can hurt like hell.  

Lack of support can be frustrating, confusing, and can hold a lot of people back; especially if they highly value their loved ones’ input.
I’ve seen many people give up on their dreams because they made deals with their husbands that, after three months if they didn’t make six figures, they were going to quit. To me, that’s absolutely ridiculous.  But, I’ve been there; when the people that you love the most don’t see your vision and they don’t support your vision.

I just want to remind you that you don’t need to take any business advice from people who have not already built a successful online business.
Plain and simple.

Your loved ones with doubts are wanting to protect you; maybe from their own fear, too. Maybe they didn’t fulfill X Y and Z, and maybe they read something about how online business owners or business owners in general fail in the first year.

But, if people come to you and say, “It’s really hard to build a business…”
You can say, “According to WHO?”

How specifically do they know, unless they are a business owner?  When did they decide that, or how do they know that? Gather their resources and find out where this fear is actually coming from.

A lot of the time, it has nothing to do with you. It’s hard not to take it personally, but I just want to encourage you to give yourself that little bit of a refrain.

When you start to notice that people are not vibrating the way that you want, one thing that you can do (and this is extremely subtle) is you can get into rapport with them.

What I mean by this is… first, you would take a look at their physiology. Their breathing rate, how they move their arms, if they sip water, if they scratch their head, if they cross their arms and legs, how muc they blink. Then, you can go into their voice: the quality of their voice, the vocal patterns, the key. Then, we go into words: the key words that they’re using, the phrases that they’re using.

Choose two things to mirror.
So, if they pick up water and drink it, you pick up water and drink it. They cross their leg, you cross your leg. Choose two things to mirror, and then YOU do something – scratch your nose and see if they do it. If they do, you’ve effectively done pace-pace-lead. So, now you’ve built rapport with that person. That’s one option.

Once you are in rapport with someone, you can effectively help them to change.

When you meet someone and you’re like, “I don’t know what it is about them.  I just connected with them on a soul level, and we were just friends instantly.” It’s because you naturally got the rapport.
This is not something that requires hours and hours of practice; it’s something you already do. I’m just encouraging you to go and do it more consciously and intentionally; especially when there might be some tension or difficult conversations that need to happen.

It is especially important to get into rapport with your clients.
As they say in NLP, there’s no such thing as resistant clients, only clients that are out of rapport with you.
If your clients aren’t budging, it’s because you’ve broken rapport in some way.

If there are people who are giving you a tough time, you want to give them a reframe.

So, I’ll say to my clients, “When did you make that decision?”

We’re finding the day, the time, the moment that they can recall where they made that limiting decision.  

They may something like, “ It’s hard to make money.  You have to work really hard to make money.”   You can ask them “Specifically, how?  According to whom? When did you decide that?”

The beauty of this technique is that you’re not giving advice.
How many times do people come and vent to you, you give them some advice… and now you have people coming to your inbox for free coaching. Instead of asking questions, you immediately jump into giving them direction and advice. What happens?  They go off and they start implementing. But is it enough? No. They probably need some accountability or other things.

If your general advice doesn’t work or if they don’t stick to it successfully, who’s getting blamed?  You are. You are now getting blamed for them not getting results.

And, will that client return to you for other things?  Probably not.

Instead of giving clients advice, give them the reframes. When you are with close friends and family, you have some options. If you feel like they’re going to be open to some quick reframes, you can do that. Or, you can ask, “Do you want me to offer something (not offer advice, just offer something), or do you just want to vent?”

Another thing you can say is, “Do you want the friend response, or the coach response?”

If you’re coaching someone at a higher level – if your client has made the agreement to this – and you’re really wanting to shake somebody out and help them break their state…

Ask, “Do you want to keep telling this story or do you want to find a solution?  Are you ready to change? Because, we can keep revisiting this story, but I don’t think it’s making you feel good. I don’t think it’s serving your highest purpose. So, the choice is yours.”

That statement can perceived as abrasive. So, if you don’t feel comfortable showing up that strong for your clients and you feel like they’re not going to respond well to it, then they probably won’t. But, if you have that dynamic in that relationship with them and you’ve established those expectations and boundaries upfront? Then, go for it.

The “or” question, called a double bind, is great because they are getting to choose what they want to do.
They’re probably not going to choose the thing that’s negative. They’re going to want to change, improve, and that’s why they came to you as a coaching client.

(This next thought is a total sidebar, but I just want to quickly include it, because it comes up a lot for new entrepreneurs.)

If you have people in your life who want to work with you but they are your friend, you may run into some issues.

When I was a health coach, I would have friends come to me for help, support, and advice. Then, we would go out to eat together where the dynamic was not coach and client. It was friend to friend. But, the power dynamic or the role dynamic had gotten confused because they decided to work with me. Now, all of a sudden, they were feeling judged for eating a burger or a brownie. And I was like, listen. You live your life, and you’re responsible for your own results. I am here to hold space for you as a coach. But, right now, we are friends. Don’t even worry about it.

You don’t necessarily want to be the friend that’s coaching your friends. When you’re new to business and you’re mostly working with people that are acquaintances, you may just need to expand a little outward; to people who are just meeting you for the first time and actually do see you as a coach versus as a friend first.  I think that may really help.

To recap…
Whether you are working with friends, family, or clients: when you start to pick up on negativity you’re seeing contrast.
Contrast is a good thing.
It’s bringing you closer and give you more clarity around what you actually do want; as long as you shift the focus to realize that the contrast is what you don’t want. Jealousy, resentment, comparing yourself to other people.  If you’re jealous that someone made a million dollars last month and you only made a thousand, you’re focusing on the fact that you’re not there yet. But, it’s also giving you clarity on where you want to go.

Get in rapport with the people you want to support.
When you get in rapport with them, you can help lead them into a better state. You can help lead them towards a more open conversation, and then suggesting change.

Give people reframes, not advice.
Whether it’s clients or friends and family, you can slip it in here and there. I just do it automatically now, because I’m trained in it and that’s what I’m doing all day long. But, you also don’t want to be over-the-top with family and asking too many questions, when they’re just trying to have conversation with you. But, know that it’s there for you to use!  And if you feel that intuitive hit to give them that suggestion, then absolutely jump in and go for it.

If you guys are not already inside the Facebook group, you can find us by going to heyjencasey.com/group.
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